“NO HOMO” i scream at my dog Homo as he shits on the carpet 

me: haha hey guys do u dare me to eat this whole thing of ice cream
them: no
me: *shaking my head and chuckling* i cant believe you guys are making me do this
them: we're not
me: *eating right out of the thing* this is so wild you guys you're so fucked up for making me do this


im screaming like….androids are objectively 100% better than iphones but I will never buy one


*gets married to sour cream & onion pringles*


Accidental personal injuries are absolutely the worst. “Oh, how did you do that?” “Well, frankly, I’m an idiot.”

whats absolutely the worst is when people then say “what did you do that for?”